If I Ever Had to Run for My Life, I Would Probably Die

Today, for the first time in my life, I tried running. And by running, I mean walking briskly for 20 minutes and jogging for 10 minutes. None of the 10 minutes spent jogging were consecutive. 

I hate running. I know a lot of people say that, but I’ve always hated it. As a child, I would fake being sick on mile day in gym class. In junior high, I quit the B squad volleyball team because I hated running that stupid “ladders” drill. Honestly, I wasn’t any good at volleyball either so it was no loss to the team.

I tried running tonight because people have said you can learn to love it. I’ve been wanting to try it for a while now, for many reasons. It doesn’t require much equipment, it helps you lose and manage your weight, tones your whole body, and I have read that it has many mental health benefits as well. Some of my friends are runners and they make it look so darn fun, I just couldn’t resist anymore.

After a brief conversation via text with Awesome Friend #4 (who is a newer runner), I decided to download the Couch to 5K app on my phone and get started. During my first “run” at the gym, here are the thoughts that went through my head: 

  • This is as awful as I remember.
  • Oh, God, I sweat more than most of the men in this place. Actually, all of them.
  • I really hope no one is looking at my “fat apron.” Surely it is jiggling in an obscene way. My boobs aren’t though, so I must have a good sports bra. Do they make sports bras for your midsection? Spanx! Yes! Can I wear Spanx while run/jogging?
  • I think my pants are riding up into places they shouldn’t.
  • Would it be a fashion faux pas if I invest in one of those sweatbands? The headband style kind? This whole “sweat dripping into my eyes” situation is not cool.
  • Sweat. Eyes. OH, GOD I bet I have mascara everywhere.
  • I must have tiny ear canals. These stupid ear buds keep falling out. Unless…for crying out loud are my EARS sweating?
  • The “Couch to 5K” title is a damn lie. I have been in a long-term relationship with my couch and/or recliner since about 1999. It is going to take more than a fancy app with access to my music playlists for me to break up with the couch. A more accurate and realistic title would be “moderately active or slightly athletic to 5K.” 
  • If the lady on this app tells me to “begin running” one more time I think I’m going to scream. At my phone. In public. She’s driving me crazy! She has no clue. She’s probably skinny. She sure sounds skinny. It wouldn’t be that much work for her to jog her 110 pound frame on a treadmill. What a twig bitch.
  • Is it over yet?
  • Thank God, twig bitch just told me in my sweaty ear buds that my workout is complete.
  • What the hell? I think I’m dizzy! Is it normal to feel dizzy after stepping off the treadmill? If I pass out, will I pee my pants? Is that a thing? 
  • DO NOT PASS OUT, TAKE A DEEP BREATH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT PASS OUT!
  • Whew! Made it!

One of my friends told me she learned a lot about herself on her journey to become a runner. All I learned today was the unpleasant condition known as “chafing.”

Even though my first (sort of) run wasn’t that pleasant, I did feel accomplished afterward. My thoughts were clear, and I felt less stressed. I guess it couldn’t have been that bad since I’m probably going to try it again tomorrow. Maybe it’s like childbirth – the process is a complete nightmare but you soon forget because the feeling afterward was worth all the pain and suffering. At the very least, I got a blog post out of the deal.

One thought on “If I Ever Had to Run for My Life, I Would Probably Die

  1. I’ve tried to like running so many times, it looks so fun when I watch other people do it and some of my best dreams are the ones where I can run really fast for a long time without being winded. I laughed out loud several times. Your humor is so lovely.

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